How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving

Grief is an intensely personal experience, and when someone we care about is grieving, it can be difficult to know how to support them. We want to comfort, to offer solace, but often feel at a loss for words or unsure if our actions will help—or unintentionally make things worse. When it comes to grief, what we say and do matters, and finding the balance between offering genuine support and not overwhelming the grieving person can be tricky.

One of the biggest challenges when supporting a grieving person is understanding that there’s no "perfect" way to comfort them. Grief doesn’t follow a prescribed path, and what might work for one person might not work for another. However, there are ways to offer meaningful support and avoid well-intentioned but potentially burdensome comments or actions.

The Importance of Compassionate Presence

Before diving into what to say or avoid, it’s important to remember that sometimes, your mere presence is the most powerful support you can offer. Grief can be isolating, and just knowing that someone cares and is there for them—whether physically or emotionally—can make a world of difference. It’s not always about saying the "right" words; it's about showing up in a way that allows the grieving person to feel seen, heard, and supported.

What to Say: Words that Comfort

When we’re uncertain of what to say, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to fix the situation or make the person feel better. The truth is, grief can’t be "fixed," and no words can fully erase the pain. What grieving people need most is to feel acknowledged, and they need space to express their emotions without judgment. Here are some phrases that can provide comfort:

1. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

• Why it helps: This is simple, straightforward, and sincere. You’re acknowledging their pain without trying to minimize it. Grieving people don’t need their feelings explained away; they need to hear that their sorrow is understood.

• What not to do: Avoid saying something like, “I know exactly how you feel,” as grief is unique to every person. It’s important to recognize that everyone experiences loss differently.

2. “I’m here for you.”

• Why it helps: These words offer unconditional support. It lets the grieving person know that they can lean on you without needing to explain themselves. The important part is showing up—whether that means listening, helping with practical tasks, or simply being a companion in silence.

• What not to do: Don’t put the onus on them to reach out for help. Instead, offer specific assistance, like, “I can come over tomorrow to help with meals” or “I’m here to talk anytime you need.” Grieving people often don’t have the energy to ask for help.

3. “I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, but I’m here if you want to talk.”

• Why it helps: Acknowledging that you can’t fully understand their pain validates their experience. It opens the door for them to talk if they want to, without pressuring them. Grief often feels isolating, and knowing they have someone who will listen without judgment can be incredibly comforting.

• What not to do: Avoid saying, “It’ll get better soon” or “At least they’re in a better place.” While these statements are meant to offer comfort, they can unintentionally minimize the depth of the person’s grief.

4. “Take all the time you need.”

• Why it helps: Grief doesn’t follow a timetable, and it can take much longer for some people to heal than others. Telling someone that they don’t need to rush through their emotions or their grief allows them to process at their own pace. It also emphasizes that it’s okay to grieve openly and fully without shame or time constraints.

• What not to do: Avoid saying something like, “You’ll feel better in a few weeks.” Everyone grieves differently, and the timeline for healing is not the same for all.

5. “I’m thinking of you.”

• Why it helps: This simple phrase conveys that the person is in your thoughts, and it’s less invasive than saying, “Let me know if you need anything.” Sometimes, grieving people don’t know what they need or are too overwhelmed to ask. By offering a more specific form of comfort (such as a text or note), you let them know you care without putting them in the position of having to make a request.

• What not to do: Avoid disappearing after the funeral or the initial shock of the loss. Grief doesn’t end once the service is over, and many people feel even more alone after the dust settles.

What Not to Say: Words that Can Be Harmful

Even though we often have the best intentions, some phrases can unintentionally invalidate or overwhelm a grieving person. Here are some things to avoid saying:

1. “At least they lived a full life.”

• Why it doesn’t help: While this phrase may be meant to offer comfort, it can sound dismissive of the person’s pain. The fact that someone lived a long life doesn’t take away the pain of their death. What they need is acknowledgment of their grief, not a silver lining.

• What to say instead: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard this must be.”

2. “Everything happens for a reason.”

• Why it doesn’t help: This statement can come across as trying to make sense of a situation that may never make sense. For the grieving person, the "reason" behind their loss may not be clear, and they may not be ready to find meaning or purpose in their grief.

• What to say instead: “I’m here for you, and I know this is incredibly hard.”

3. “You should be over this by now.”

• Why it doesn’t help: Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and telling someone they should be "over it" after a certain period can make them feel guilty for not healing as quickly as others might expect. Grief can last much longer than people think, and it’s important to let people grieve in their own time.

• What to say instead: “Take all the time you need. I’m here to support you as long as you need.”

4. “I know exactly how you feel.”

• Why it doesn’t help: Even if you’ve experienced a similar loss, everyone’s grief is different. Saying this can make the person feel as if their grief is being minimized or generalized. It may also make them feel like their specific experience isn’t being fully acknowledged.

• What to say instead: “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here if you want to talk.”

5. “It was meant to be.”

• Why it doesn’t help: While well-intentioned, this phrase can imply that the loss is part of some divine plan, which may not be helpful to someone who is grieving. They may feel that their pain is being invalidated in favor of a greater “purpose.”

• What to say instead: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here to support you in whatever way you need.”

The Bottom Line: Be Present, Be Kind, Be Patient

At the heart of grief support is a willingness to listen and be there. You don’t need to have all the answers or try to fix the situation. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is simply show up and listen. Avoid rushing the grieving person through their pain or offering unsolicited advice. Instead, offer them space to feel their emotions and support them in a way that respects their experience.

Grief is messy, complicated, and often unpredictable, but the most important thing is to be compassionate. Sometimes, a simple, “I’m here for you” is enough to let someone know they are not alone in their pain.

By being mindful of what we say and how we show up, we can offer the kind of support that truly helps someone through one of the most difficult experiences of their life.

Disclaimer: The information provided in this blog is meant to offer general guidance on supporting someone who is grieving. It is not intended as professional counseling or mental health advice. Grief is a personal and unique experience, and individuals may respond to support in different ways. For more tailored advice, or if you or someone you know is struggling with grief, we recommend consulting a mental health professional or grief counselor.